Instant Message
by vamp of alium sativum
Summary: what happens when you combine Carl, Van Helsing, and Instant Messaging? Craziness. pure, caffeine fueled craziness. NO SLASH! this came from an actual RP that my sister and I did on skype. Recently revamped and re posted. I do not own Van Helsing or any of his affiliates.


A/N: Just craziness that my sister Ghost Rider of the Aragon and I came up with one day when we were bored and instant messaging on skype. We had emoticon wars, and they don't show up on Word, so all emoticons are in parentheses (). I had posted it earlier, but then I realized that there were some gaps in the conversation. So I took it down, re-vamped it (haha, pun) and now it's back up.

Van Helsing: Hey, Carl, this newfangled text thing you've created is quite spectacular

Carl: I know. I'm a veritable cornucopia of talent.

Van Helsing: That you are, Carl. So what's next on the amazing list of things to be invented?

Carl: Caffeine drops. Next on the docket for new inventions. And an improved coffee machine.

Van Helsing: Hmm, sounds good. Coffee...

Carl: One where you can be completely selfish and only make a cup for yourself... I shall call it the KEURIG!

Van Helsing: Coffee NOW!

Carl: make your own... I'm completely selfish and I just made my own. screw you fuzzy!

Van Helsing: RAWR!

Carl: *takes out cattle prod* don't make me use this.

Van Helsing: YIPE YIPE YIPE!

Carl: go kill an oral phlebotomist, fluffy.

Van Helsing: I will...just stop calling me fluffy. I'm not fluffy.

Van Helsing: I'm vicious

Van Helsing: GRRRR

Van Helsing: RAWR

Carl: you are incredibly fluffy! You're so fluffy I'm gonna die!

Van Helsing: That's right! You are...if you keep calling me fluffy

Carl: Fine. Change back to VH and I'll stop calling you flu...uh... names.

Van Helsing: RAAWR! OK.

Carl: YAY! *pulls out antidote

Van Helsing: OUCH!

Van Helsing: You could be a little gentler with that. I hate needles.

Carl: *grins, runs away*

Van Helsing: CARL!

Van Helsing: I'm gonna kill you!

Carl: *shouts over shoulder* I just saved your life! That's how you repay me?

Van Helsing: *stops mid-stride* hadn't thought of that...okay fine. I FORGIVE YOU CARL!

Carl: (coffee)(coffee)(coffee) good. I ran to Starbucks and got some coffee for you.!

Van Helsing: *gasp* How ncie of yuo...

Carl: Wow that was some terrible spelling.

Van Helsing: Yeah. But I don't care. You brought me coffee!

Carl: I know! I can't believe myself sometimes.

Van Helsing: (coffee) Keep calm and drink coffee

Carl: that's the biggest oxymoron of the century

Van Helsing: Yes, but...oh never mind.

Carl: need to finish my coffeee before it gets cold.

Carl: one too many E's

Van Helsing: No, really?

Carl: sorry

Van Helsing: Hahaha

Carl: Awkward Silence. Always so awkward.

Van Helsing: It wasn't awkward until you broke it.

Carl: *pouts. goes back to inventing awesomeness*

Carl: you're mean.

Van Helsing: Yes, yes I am. Well, wouldn't you be mean if you had no memories and everyone was using you to do their dirty work?

Carl: why is this house so full of dog hair? Use a slicker brush once in a while, VH.

Van Helsing: That thing pulls! It hurts! You come near me with that...that thing...I'll rip your head off!

Carl: What? It's my latest invention! How about the shed-vac?

Van Helsing: Does it pull?

Carl: uh...no *looks away quickly*

Van Helsing: I'm not about to be your test subject...Test it on Cardinal Jinette's poodle first. Though how that thing classifies as a dog is beyond me...

Carl: how do you feel about becoming a Mexican hairless, VH?

Van Helsing: WHAT! *fursplodes* RAWWWR!

Carl: *as he's running away* I'll take that as a NO!

Van Helsing: *calms down, returns to human form*

Carl: *stops running, walks back to work station* I picked the wrong day to wear the polar fleece cowl!

Carl: attracts hair!

Van Helsing: That you did.

Carl: hmmm what now?

Van Helsing: I don't know...any new inventions I should know about?

Van Helsing: ANSWER ME!

Carl: how about the snow golbe?

Van Helsing: I can deal with that.

Carl: can't spell. Or type.

Van Helsing: Hahahaha! Nope. I thought you were a genius?

Carl: Anyway, where were we?

Van Helsing: snow globe?

Carl: Ah, yes. The snow globe is this useless thing that you set on a shelf to collect dust... ooh, and I forgot about the etch-a-sketch!

Van Helsing: That could be fun.

Carl: no. not really.

Van Helsing: What does it do?

Carl: only the highly skilled can make anything other than a squiggle on it.

Van Helsing: Highly skilled, eh?

Carl: Yep. Like me.

Van Helsing: How do you qualify? Count me in!

Carl: you're not highly skilled enough. I a Genius!

Van Helsing: I beg to differ. You can't even write properly, much less be a Michelangelo.

Carl: I drew the Mona Lisa on it, what're you talking about?

Van Helsing: That was Da Vinci.

Van Helsing: Not Michelangelo

Carl: Oh. Then I sculpted David :p

Van Helsing: BS.

Carl: AHHHH!

Carl: **creepy piano music. JARVIS! Turn it off!

Van Helsing: Who's JARVIS?

Carl: my computer/butler thing. Some man of metal is gonna take credit for it in the 21st century. Words of the prophecy.

Van Helsing: Oookaay

Van Helsing: Whatev

Carl: oh, so now YOU invented text speak?

Van Helsing: Yes I did. Deal with it.

Carl: I'm the genius, you're the half. Know your place

Van Helsing: That burns, monk.

Carl: I'm just a friar, d*****!

Van Helsing: *gasp* you shouldn't curse, anyway. It's a bad habit!

Van Helsing: Wash your mouth out with soap.

Carl: holy hell be d***ed I shouldn't

Van Helsing: You kiss your mother with that mouth!

Van Helsing: You make me sick

Carl: She died. Minor explosion in my bedroom as a child. Would you want me kissing corpses?

Van Helsing: No. That would be creepy, as well as deeply disturbing.

Carl: Yeah. The prototype for glycerin 48 exploded in my room.

Van Helsing: You have my sympathies, then.

Carl: she was telling me to clean up my mess when it happened.

Van Helsing: Oooh. That's terrible!

Carl: know what the last words I said to her were?

Van Helsing: What?

Carl: "Hey, Mom, come see this!"

Van Helsing: You're evil. You know that?

Carl: what? I didn't know it was gonna explode!

Carl: I thought it would work.

Van Helsing: *shakes head and rolls eyes*

Carl: spontaneous explosion. I swear.

Van Helsing: Yeah, sure.

Van Helsing: Should I be worried?

Carl: i hadn't stabilized it yet.

Van Helsing: Oh, and that makes everything so much better.

Carl: biggest mistake of my career.

Van Helsing: No, really?

Carl: It shall never happen again

Carl: to her.

Van Helsing: Oh s***

Carl: don't worry. I test all new weapons with Dwergi

Van Helsing: Can I watch?

Carl: Sure! Next test session is not until next week, though.

Van Helsing: Flaming Dwergi are funny

Carl: agreed.

Carl: exploding Dwergi are even funnier!

Van Helsing: Oooh. I'll bring the popcorn.

Van Helsing: And the 3-D glasses

Carl: and junior mints?

Van Helsing: Yes, yes of course

Carl: how bout milk duds?

Van Helsing: Ummm...they nearly pull my teeth out…

Carl: Oh, good! I need a test subject for my latest developments in dental procedures!

Van Helsing: Me?

Van Helsing: Oh, hell no

Carl: yes, you. And what ever happened to "you kiss your mother with that mouth!"

Van Helsing: I have no memories, so *sticks tongue out*

Carl: good for you.

Carl: the last words my mother said to me were AHHHHH!

Carl: at least you don't remember.

Van Helsing: Why is that good? What about the whole 'nature vs. nurture' debate?

Van Helsing: I want to remember! The suspense is killing me!

Carl: are you sure?

Carl: I wish I could forget.

Van Helsing: I might be a completely different person if I could remember my mother!

Van Helsing: You never know

Carl: you're fine just the way you are!

Van Helsing: I killed my girlfriend!

Van Helsing: You call that fine?

Van Helsing: What kind of twisted sicko are you?

Carl: yeah, there's that. You need to let go of these things. You were under the influence of werewolf-ness then. I'm sure Anna would forgive you

Van Helsing: Yeah right. If you were killed by a werewolf crushing you to death, I'm sure you'd be happy about it.

Carl: better than being killed by a vampire bride!

Van Helsing: Yeah, but still! The concept is disturbing.

Carl: and how does that make you feel?

Van Helsing: Oh, no not this conversation again! How do you think it makes me feel?!

Carl: I'm developing my psychiatrist skills. My theory is that if I ask you how something makes you feel enough times, you'll feel better, and you'll pay me the big bucks.

Van Helsing: When hell freezes over.

Van Helsing: You're my friend. These sessions should be free.

Carl: it works for them in the 21st century, why not now?

Van Helsing: Gah!

Carl: according to the prophecy.

Van Helsing: Oh no...

Carl: Ooh, back on the topic of new inventions, I also invented a better wheel!

Van Helsing: How?

Van Helsing: Is that even possible?

Carl: yes it is possible, but it's top secret! I can't tell you.

Van Helsing: Ha! I don't believe you!

Carl: okay, fine. I attached them to a simple platform with a motor and a steering mechanism.

Van Helsing: Okay...I thought that was Henry Ford.

Van Helsing: Not you.

Carl: I call it the Model -A

Van Helsing: I give up

Carl: A Mr. Ford will come up with it early in the 20th century. In accordance with the prophecy.

Van Helsing: Will you stop that!?

Carl: NO! According to the prophecy!

Van Helsing: CARL! THERE IS NO PROPHECY!

Carl: the only difference between genius and insanity is that Genius has limits! Yes there is a prophecy!

Van Helsing: Where does insanity fit into all of this?

Van Helsing: I'm lost

Van Helsing: A little lost puppy. A kicked puppy

Carl: the copy and paste thing that says "to have the proper amount of insanity... end every sentence with 'according to the prophecy" According to the prophecy!

Van Helsing: Okay. I've had enough insanity

Van Helsing: STOP IT!

Van Helsing: I MEAN IT!

Carl: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Van Helsing: Don't make me fursplode again...

Carl: According to the prophecy!

Van Helsing: You'll regret it…wha…RAWRR

Carl: *runs away*

Carl: screaming!

Van Helsing: *runs after Carl and tackles him*

Carl: ATTP

Van Helsing: *pins Carl*

Carl: Achoo! I'm allergic to dog. get off!

Van Helsing: Rawr! *translation: NEVER!*

Carl: then I'll sneeze two tons of mucus and countless germs into your beautiful fur. ATTP.

Van Helsing: Yipe!

Carl: that's better.

Van Helsing: *transforms back* What was that?

Carl: *grins, walks back to laboratory* ATTP

Van Helsing: GAAAHHH! ENOUGH OF THAT!

Carl: okay... one more ATTP!

Van Helsing: Are you quite finished?

Carl: I'm done now.

Van Helsing: Good.

Van Helsing: Now what?

Carl: IDK.

Van Helsing: More coffee?

Carl: YAY!

Carl: (coffee) cheers.

Van Helsing: (coffee)

Van Helsing: agreed

Van Helsing: ATTP

Carl: SKOLL. ATTP. AMEN.

Carl: I thought you were tired of ATTP?

Van Helsing: Yes I am. I just had to try it. I'll stop.

Carl: Aww, I thought it was catching on.

Van Helsing: (music)I can learn to resist anything but temptation... (music)

Carl: what does that have to do with anything?

Van Helsing: I couldn't resist trying it out

Carl: oh.

Van Helsing: It's a song. You wanna hear it?

Carl: yeah, try it out on this new iPod that Ii just invented.

Van Helsing: Will do.

Van Helsing: Wait a sec, that was you?

Carl: this music is terrible. I'll just go back to a nice safe Gregorian chant. I'll leave the screecher to you.

Van Helsing: His name is Geddy Lee, and he's awesome!

Van Helsing: He's got great hair...

Van Helsing: Like me

Carl: ATTP.

Van Helsing: GAHHH!

Van Helsing: Will this never end?

Carl: ATTPATTPATTPATTP

Carl: nope.

Van Helsing: I was expecting you to say "That's what she said."

Carl: no. I refuse to use that phrase.

Carl: ATTP is better.

Van Helsing: Okay. Bless me, Carl, for I have sinned

Carl: no way. Go see the priest.

Van Helsing: ATTP

Carl: ATTPATTPATTPATTP

Van Helsing: What have I done?

Carl: released a monster. Way to go, monster hunter... uh-oh.

Van Helsing: RAWR!

Carl: AHHHHH!

Van Helsing: Just kidding.

Carl: YAY! me wants pizza. bye.

Van Helsing: COME BAAAACK!

Van Helsing: (music) always waiting…

Carl: i'm back

Van Helsing: YAY!

Carl: pudding is awesome.

Van Helsing: that was...random

Carl: chocolate pudding.

Van Helsing: Yes, yes it is

Carl: alligators are scary.

Van Helsing: O-kaay

Van Helsing: So are lions

Carl: sunshine is warm.

Carl: do unicorns defecate rainbows?

Van Helsing: I don't know. I've never hunted one of those... Would be handy for tracking purposes...

Carl: my toes are cold.

Van Helsing: Wait, wha?

Carl: RANDOMNESS!

Van Helsing: If your toes are so cold, put your d*** boots on

Carl: washeth out thine mouth.

Van Helsing: Fine.

Carl: i wanna go home.

Van Helsing: Me too. There's no place like home, there's no place like home, there's no place like home

Carl: ruby slippers don't read "super masculine monster hunter to me.

Van Helsing: No, they don't. Good point

Carl: neither does that stupid excuse of a dog.

Van Helsing: One night stands with Romanian barmaids don't exactly scream 'Holy Friar' to me.

Van Helsing: So there!

Carl: ...

Van Helsing: HA!

Carl: ...

Van Helsing: Forget I mentioned it.

Carl: the silent treatment...

Van Helsing: Not silent anymore

Carl: ...

Van Helsing: Geez. So-rry!

Carl: ...

Carl: laugh it up, fuzzball. ATTP.

Van Helsing: *wookie-like moan* I will!

Van Helsing: GAH!

Carl: ...

Van Helsing: will you ever forgive me?

Carl: maybe...

Van Helsing: I already said sorry!

Carl: actions speak louder than words.

Van Helsing: What would you have me do?

Carl:*gets mischievous grin on his face* Wanna try out my new flea and tick treatment?

Van Helsing: If it will make you feel better...*sighs* have at me. *furslpodes*

Carl: *grins* This is a repellant that needs to be applied monthly.

Van Helsing: grrrrr...

Carl: I call it K-9 Advanticks. they're not biting, you're not itching.

Van Helsing: rawr.

Carl: camping, hiking, and tent pitching.

Van Helsing *phases back* ENOUGH OF THAT SONG!

Carl: swimming, not camping, I misspoke.

Carl: sung. (music)

Van Helsing: I DON'T CARE! JUST STOP SINGING!

Carl: fine.

Van Helsing: Uhh, I thought you said this was supposed to stop the itching.

Carl: are ya itchy? any rashes or oozing sores?

Carl: hair loss?

Van Helsing: I dunno. *rips shirt off* you be the judge.

Carl: …

Van Helsing: How bad is it?

Carl: you look like the Elephant man. ATTP. still needs more work.

Van Helsing: Oh, good Gad!

Carl: sorry. *starts to run*

Van Helsing: *fursplodes* RRRRRAAAAAWWWWRRRR!

Carl: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Van Helsing: *stops running, sits down and scratches behind his ear*

Carl: if it makes you feel any better, I'll put "Not for use on Werewolves" on the label.

Van Helsing: *phases back*

Van Helsing: No, it doesn't make me feel any better!

Van Helsing: This is HELL!

Carl: take a bath. you smell like dog.

Van Helsing: That burns...

Van Helsing: Then I'll smell like wet dog.

Carl: oh, and I forgot, its waterproof. You'll stop having symptoms in about a month.

Van Helsing: Oh, crap.

Van Helsing: What have you done Carl?

Carl: *grins* *starts running again.*

Van Helsing: I give up!

Van Helsing: You can come back now, Carl

Carl: paybacks are hell.

Van Helsing: That they are, but let me mull over it a few days, and then I shall have my revenge

Carl: there shall be no more mentions of Romani barmaids. Or else.

Van Helsing: Yes, Carl.

Carl: thx

Van Helsing: Unless of course, you make more dog references...

Carl: nope. but what's the fun in that, poochy?

Van Helsing: CARL!

Carl: YEEES?

Van Helsing: *FURSPLODE*

Van Helsing: RAWR!

Carl: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Carl: starts running.

Van Helsing: *runs after Carl, and tackles him*

Carl: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Van Helsing: *yelps at the high pitch of the scream*

Carl: escapes while fuzzy is distracted.

Van Helsing: (where'd he go?)

Carl: im hiding.

Carl: what're ya doin'?

Van Helsing: Grrr *That much is obvious. Where are you, you little coward?!*

Carl: not telling.

Carl: Marco.

Van Helsing: RAWR! (translation: Found you!)

Van Helsing: Grrrr! *POLO!*

Carl: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Van Helsing: *acts like an over-sized puppy*

Carl: *escapes*

Carl: Marco.

Van Helsing: *howls* (translation: polo)

Carl: *throws voice* Marco

Van Helsing: (phases back, finds Carl) Gotcha!

Carl: *tries speaking dog.* Woof.

Van Helsing: *rolls his eyes* Carl, I'm not a dog anymore.

Carl: ARF!

Van Helsing: You know, that doesn't really mean anything

Carl: Bow Wow.

Van Helsing: SHUT UP!

Carl: *makes that weird sound in the back of his throat like a rabid chihuahua.* Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Van Helsing: Hey, I'm warning you...

Carl: Woof, Woof.

Van Helsing: GAH! *whacks Carl upside the head with crossbow*

Carl: Yipe, Yipe, Yipe!

Van Helsing: that's better

Carl: *runs away like kicked puppy.*

Van Helsing: GOOD!

Carl: *gives VH puppy dog eyes.*

Van Helsing: Oh, god, no. Don't look at me like that...

Carl: *Continues Puppy face. * (VH should start tearing up at any moment.)

Van Helsing: Okay fine. I'm sorry.

Carl: *pants, doggy grin.*

Van Helsing: This is getting weird.

Carl: role reversal.

Van Helsing: I DON'T LIKE IT!

Carl: *HOWLS AT MOON*

Van Helsing: Stop it already!

Carl: No. Woof.

Carl: any other ideas?

Van Helsing: Don't make me bite you.

Carl: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Van Helsing: Thought so.

Carl: runs away.

Carl: tail between legs, so to speak.

Van Helsing: Not cool.

Carl: BRB.

Van Helsing: Okay.

Carl: I'm back.

Van Helsing: One sec. Looking for the LOKI'D video.

Carl: wrong fandom.

Van Helsing: Shall I switch back? Will that make you feel better?

Carl: *grins*

Van Helsing: Is that a yes?

Carl: *grins*

Carl: *sees mushroom cloud explosion where the laboratory was* Explosion in the laboratory… have to go… bye!

A/N: and that's the end of the craziness. Congratulations on making it all the way to this point.

v.a.s.

**my computer played this little trill of piano noise when I backspaced too far, and I was feeling really jumpy, because I was caffeinated


End file.
